Perhaps I should have been more delicate with my title .language. However, I am not sure taming it down would have merely described the suffering of a heart attack and its long term impact. I would consider myself to be a fighter or perhaps a competitive person, but what thing I find is that the mental motor is sometimes a little more sluggish than I would like. I don’t mean to imply that I am not still sharp, because I feel that I am indeed as sharp or in some instances sharper than I was prior to my heart attack. What I am finding of late is it seems that in morning I struggle to mentally start my motivational engines. The feeling is very frustrating to say the least. For almost my entire life I have always been pretty motivated be it morning or evening. What I have found since I went on disability the lack of direction makes me feel like I were a sail boat that perhaps somehow lost my keel. While I do move forward… the lack of keel does not keep me moving forward, but rather sideways and sometimes just simply a direction that I did not intend.
I am not sure if it is the PTSD or perhaps depression or maybe just simply lack of emotional direction but I realize that I must find that keel again. I am waiting patiently for word from the SBA and the back regarding the results of my presentation from last week to purchase The Broken Wheel Ranch in southern Illinois. I find that if I am able to focus on that dream and the multitude of activities and challenges that would go into making the ranch a success I am incredibly focused and happy. I realize that it will be hard work, and I am very ok with that fact. In fact I find myself hugely excited about the chance of having my own business again. I do in fact love to teach, but I think that love may be behind me unless I were able to find a perfect position that needs a business teacher.
Hopefully, by the end of this week I will have heard something regarding my dream of operating a small business in the form of owing The Broken Wheel Ranch. I think it would be great to market my ranch and the wine tour of southern Illinois to all the heart attack survivors worldwide. After all they say a good bottle of red wine is good for the heart…… 